Confessions of an Emotion Shunner

For much of my life, I've taken pride in my ability to keep emotions at bay. Emotions, I believed, only got in the way of progress. After all, 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going,' right? To me, toughness and emotions were like cats and vacuum cleaners—never meant to mix.

I can't pinpoint exactly why I developed this mindset, but it started young. Maybe it was because my parents weren’t particularly emotional, or because my older sisters’ fights scared me. Or perhaps it was because I spent a lot of time playing sports with the boys, where crying made you a “sissy.” It might even just be a personality trait. All these factors combined to shape my belief that showing emotion was a weakness.

I vividly remember playing basketball on our grade school blacktop, where falling meant inevitable 'road rash.' Our blacktop wasn’t the smooth asphalt you see today; it was a rough mix of tiny rocks pressed together. Falling on that gritty surface and not crying required self-control of mammoth proportions, which I managed on several occasions.. Although this kind of “repression” of emotion involved enduring physical pain, it still illustrates my early-in-life perceived need to stifle emotion and not reveal hurt of any kind.

The first time I consciously decided to shun emotions was during a church experience. I observed that those who cried during 'spiritual moments' were seen as 'more spiritual,' and I felt this was an unfair perception. Determined to prove that one could be spiritual without crying, I made a vow. Whenever I felt love and gratitude welling up during church, I would push them back down and think of something else to stop the feelings from bursting forth. If tears began to form, I discovered a hack: I would pull down my bottom eyelids with my thumb and finger, creating more room for the tears to pool without spilling over.

I applied my emotional restraint tactics throughout much of my life, as they would surface outside of church and the spiritual realm as well. Moments of patriotism, pride, excitement for others' accomplishments, or witnessing someone else's emotions—all these were opportunities for me to suppress my feelings and be the ‘strong one’ for others.

You may be thinking how ridiculous this sounds and how off-base my perceptions were, but who hasn’t had whacked-out perceptions at some point? Maybe you can relate to some of my story. Maybe you have your own ways of avoiding or suppressing emotion.

There is a price to be paid for avoiding, resisting, and reacting to emotions, and I will cover that in my next blog, so stay tuned! One cost is that you miss out on the full experience of life by trying to run from emotions. No emotion is bad; it’s just a messenger of information, and each has something to teach us. How do you handle your emotions? Welcome all emotions and learn from them. You’ll find out why in the next episode.

High Five!

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