Tired of Defaulting to the Negative? Try This!

The other day in church, I was stumbling through the harmony line of a hymn (no surprise there). I’ve never been much of a songbird—my vocal range is… let’s call it “limited”—so harmony is usually my best bet.

Normally, if I’m sitting next to someone else singing harmony, I can stay on track. But this week? No such luck. Instead, my ears kept zoning in on the strong melody voice nearby, and the more I focused on it, the more off-key I went. It took real effort to tune my ears back to the organ so I could find my note again. And wouldn’t you know it, my mind kept wandering right back, over and over.

Funny how that works.

It hit me that this is exactly what happens in our relationships (and honestly, in plenty of life situations too).

I’ve spent time in the “pit of despair” myself

Confession: I might be one of the worst offenders here. I’ve logged way too many hours in what I like to call the pit of despair (yes, Princess Bride fans, that pit).

My brain has had a lifelong habit of locking onto people’s flaws, or the worst-case scenario in a situation. It’s like having an internal commentator who loves pointing out every irritation, mistake, or potential downfall.

But this little trick—pausing and consciously redirecting my focus—has helped me dig my way out more times than I can count. It doesn’t make the annoying stuff disappear, but it keeps me from stewing in it or letting it define my whole experience.

Why our brains do this

Left to their own devices, our brains are excellent at sniffing out what’s wrong. That’s how they keep us alive—by scanning for threats or irritants. Unfortunately, in our modern lives, that often means we automatically hone in on what drives us crazy about people (or situations).

It’s like we have a personal gossip columnist in our heads:

• “Penelope really loses it with her kids, huh?”

• “It takes Bart forever to finish anything.”

• “Why does Waneesa chew like a goat at a salad bar?”

• “George steamrolls every meeting.”

• “My employees act like teenagers.”

• “My boss could medal in grumpiness.”

Sound familiar?

Try this tiny shift

Here’s what I’ve learned: every single person is a mixed bag. They have admirable traits and annoying ones. (Spoiler: so do we.)

It takes deliberate effort to redirect your focus—just like I had to keep turning my ears back to the organ. It’s a small mental pivot: pausing the knee-jerk judgment and choosing to spot something good.

Maybe Penelope is wildly creative. Bart is steady and dependable. Waneesa makes everyone laugh. George is passionate. Your employees bring fresh ideas. Your boss fights hard for the team behind the scenes.

Try making it a playful challenge this week. Whenever you catch yourself rolling your eyes (mentally or otherwise), use it as a cue to pause and look for something worth appreciating. If you can’t muster it in the heat of the moment, circle back later when your brain isn’t flooded with frustration.

These little shifts can completely change how you feel—not just about people, but about life’s everyday messes too.

High five ✋

Quick note:

This is about normal frustrations and human quirks. It’s not about excusing harmful or abusive behavior. In those cases, your focus needs to be on your safety and well-being, not searching for silver linings.

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#OutOfSmallThings, #LifeCoaching, #mindset, #focus, #negativethinking, #thoughtpatterns, #relationships