Stop Judging Past You for What She Didn’t Know

Let’s talk about a sneaky source of unnecessary suffering: judging your past self for what you didn’t know at the time.

It sounds obvious, right? But we do it all the time.

We say things like:

• “I should’ve known better.”

• “Why was I so impatient?”

• “What kind of mom reacts like that?!”

And we pile on the shame after we’ve gained new information—information we didn’t have access to in the moment.

Here’s what I want to offer: What if the only real mistake... was expecting your past self to know what you know now?

Let’s try this on:

You’re out hiking in the mountains, soaking up the views, when you come around a bend and come face-to-face with a rattlesnake. The rattle goes off, and you wisely back up. Once you’re safe, you throw a few rocks, scare it away, and move on. Later, after hiking up a few switchbacks, you glance back and see the area from above—and from this new vantage point, you realize there was a trail that would’ve let you avoid the snake altogether.

Do you call yourself an idiot for not taking it?

No. You couldn’t see it then.

You can now—because you’re in a different place. A higher one. With more information.

That’s what happens when we grow. We see more. But instead of appreciating the growth, we often use it as ammo against ourselves.

I was talking to a friend recently who told me a story that perfectly illustrates this.

She has boys, and I was asking if it’s possible to potty train them to, you know… aim better. She laughed and told me how one of her sons used to miss all the time, and it drove her crazy. She got frustrated, lost her temper more than she wanted, and felt like a broken record cleaning up messes.

Later—years later—they found out his circumcision hadn’t been done properly, and he needed a corrective procedure.

Her reaction? Guilt. “I should have been more patient. Poor little guy.”

But here’s the thing: She didn’t know. She was doing the best she could with the information she had.

We do this constantly—especially as moms and partners.

Imagine me holding out my hands like bookends:

On the left, there’s Past You—reacting in real time, doing the best she can.

On the right, there’s Present You—with more knowledge, insight, and hindsight.

And in between? That’s the information gap. And it matters.

Here’s the rule I want you to try on: Don’t judge Past You by what Present You has learned.

Some quick examples: 

• The mom of a teenage son who’s acting out, only to discover months later he’s dealing with depression. She judged herself for being too harsh—before she knew he was struggling. 

• The mom of a grown child who looks back and wishes she’d listened more instead of lecturing. But she didn’t know then what she knows about connection now. 

• The wife who felt defensive in an argument, only to later realize her husband was speaking from his own shame—not attacking her. She now wishes she’d responded with compassion—but that awareness came after.

Knowing more now doesn’t mean you failed then. It means you’ve grown.

Small Step: Give Past You Some Grace

 Think of one moment recently where you’ve been beating yourself up. Ask:

• What didn’t I know then that I know now?

• Was I doing the best I could with the information I had?

Then take a breath and thank Past You. She was trying. And she walked you here.

P.S. The support doesn’t stop here.

I’ve put together a collection of free tools to help you show up with more peace, perspective, and confidence—because you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

👉 Visit the Freebies Page and feel free to share it with a friend who needs a little self-kindness too.

High five ✋

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