The Invisible Manual: Why Our Secret Rulebook for Others Sets Us Up for Disappointment

Ever catch yourself thinking, “They should know better” or “He shouldn’t act like that”? That, my friend, is the sound of your manual talking—a whole invisible rulebook we’ve written for other people, and they’re completely unaware of it. These “manuals” are packed with all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” we silently expect others to follow so we can feel better; and when they don’t, we’re left feeling frustrated, annoyed, or even hurt.

What Exactly is “The Manual”?

Imagine you’ve crafted a secret guide of expectations for how everyone—from your boss to your best friend, your kids, politicians, and even the stranger bagging your groceries—should behave. When someone breaks one of these invisible “rules,” you feel that twinge of disappointment or irritation. Why? Because, deep down, we’re convinced they’re doing it wrong.

Here are a few examples of how this might show up:

• My partner should offer to help when I look stressed; shouldn’t leave dishes in the sink overnight.

• My child should use their “inside voice” at restaurants; shouldn’t refuse to share toys with friends.

• My friend should remember my birthday without reminders; shouldn’t bring up embarrassing stories in front of new people.

• Drivers should signal before changing lanes; shouldn’t stay in the fast lane if they’re driving slowly.

• People should check their phone notifications regularly; shouldn’t talk loudly on speaker in public places.

• My coworker should pitch in on group tasks without being asked; shouldn’t take credit for ideas we developed together.

• My neighbors should mow their lawn regularly; shouldn’t play loud music late at night.

• Politicians should listen to and represent everyone’s interests equally; shouldn’t dodge questions or give vague answers during interviews.

• My boss should give clear feedback and guidance; shouldn’t schedule last-minute meetings that disrupt my day.

There are so many subjective words and phrases here that could mean different things to different people: look stressed, regularly, slowly, talk loudly, embarrassing, interests, vague answers, clear, last-minute.

When our manuals get overly detailed, we only increase our frustration. Maybe our partner does try to help when we look stressed, but they don’t do it the “right” way—or choose to help with things we hadn’t wanted.

Or perhaps our boss gives feedback, but it’s not in the “right” tone or the type of feedback we’d prefer.

“Should/Shouldn’t” as Trigger Words

A quick way to spot a manual is by tuning into how often you say “should” or “shouldn’t.” Each time one of these words slips out, it’s like a blinking sign saying, “This person isn’t meeting my expectations.” These trigger words can alert us to an invisible rule we’re holding onto—one that the other person likely doesn’t even know exists!

What’s Wrong with a Manual, Anyway?

Having a manual isn’t the issue—it’s the frustration and disappointment we set ourselves up for. When people don’t meet our invisible standards, they’re usually unaware, while we’re often left feeling irritated or let down because others aren’t acting the way we think they “should.” By releasing these hidden expectations, we open ourselves to more peace, fewer grudges, and the freedom to appreciate others for who they are, not who we think they “should” be.

How to Start Letting Go of the Manual

Start by listening for those “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” The next time one slips out, ask yourself, “Is this rule helping me enjoy this relationship?” Try reframing it as a preference instead. Swap “should” for “could” or “might” to bring in some grace, or say, “I’d appreciate it if…” rather than “They should…” It’s a small shift with big impact, freeing up mental space for you—and them too!

What do you think about this idea of the “invisible manual”? Have you noticed it at play in your life, or are you curious to try letting go of some of these hidden rules? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how it feels to explore this concept—share in the comments!

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