I Am Not My Worst Behavior
There’s a moment I wish I could take back. It started as lighthearted teasing, but before I knew it, my words had turned sharp. What was meant to be playful became mean-spirited and untrue. My husband was hurt, enough to walk away and take time for himself. And in that space, I sat with a familiar feeling—shame.
My brain immediately wanted to defend me. I didn’t mean it that way. He should know I was joking. Why is he taking it so seriously? But beneath those justifications, I knew the truth: I had let my frustration, exhaustion, and unmet expectations spill out in a way I wasn’t proud of. It wasn’t who I wanted to be, and I felt awful.
When my husband came back, I apologized—not because I wanted to smooth things over quickly, but because I genuinely regretted what I had said. He softened, forgave me, and never brought it up again. That undeserved grace was a gift, but my mind wanted to reject it. I don’t deserve to be let off the hook so easily. And just like that, I was caught in the shame/blame trap.
The Shame/Blame Trap
When high-achieving perfectionists mess up, we tend to go in one of two directions: we either sink into shame (I’m a terrible person), or we shift into blame (It wasn’t really my fault). Neither helps us grow. Shame keeps us stuck in self-loathing, while blame keeps us from taking responsibility.
What if, instead, we simply acknowledged: I’m a good person who had a bad moment.?
That single thought can be incredibly powerful. It keeps us accountable without making us collapse under the weight of perfectionism. It allows us to learn from our mistakes without making them part of our identity.
The Rage (or Frustration) Factor
I wouldn’t necessarily call what I did “rage,” but I do know what it’s like to feel something building inside me with nowhere to go. I’ve learned that frustration—especially for high-achieving perfectionists—can act like a pressure valve. When we don’t acknowledge what’s bothering us, when we keep suppressing emotions in the name of “being fine,” they don’t go away. They accumulate. And eventually, they spill over—often onto the people we love most.
Anger itself isn’t the problem. It’s a signal:
A boundary has been violated.
An injustice has been done.
A need hasn’t been met.
But if we don’t recognize or express those signals in a healthy way, anger morphs into something destructive. It hijacks us. And suddenly, we’re saying things we don’t mean, reacting in ways we don’t like, and feeling ashamed afterward.
The good news? Relationships are built on rupture, repair, and recovery. The goal isn’t to never mess up. It’s to recognize when we have and to repair the damage with honesty and humility. That’s what I did with my husband. And every time I practice it, I get better at not letting things build up in the first place.
Moving Forward
If you’ve ever found yourself in this cycle—frustration building, words spilling, shame sinking in—you’re not alone. And you’re not defined by your worst behavior.
Instead of shame or blame, try this:
Pause. What unmet need or frustration is bubbling under the surface?
Own it. Not with self-judgment, but with self-awareness.
Repair. Apologize if needed, not to earn forgiveness, but to take responsibility.
Learn. How can you process your feelings before they reach a boiling point next time?
We don’t have to be perfect to be good. We don’t have to be flawless to be worthy of grace. And we don’t have to let one bad moment define us.
I am not my worst behavior. And neither are you.
High five ✋
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