The 4-Step Process Behind Every Result You've Ever Gotten (Even the Ones You Didn't Want)

When you're not getting the results you want, change the action, right? Work harder, work longer, or as some will advise... work smarter! Sometimes that works. Most times it's just a band-aid leading to burnout.

Every thought goes through a process, and in years of coaching, I have never once seen it falter.

Life hands us endless material for thought: the weather, what people say, what we read, what happens to people we know and love. Some thoughts are right there, easy to spot. Others fly by so fast we have to reverse-engineer them from our results. Either way, we're running this process on autopilot most of the time... completely unaware we're even in it.

Every circumstance starts out as just... a fact. It doesn't get dramatic until we add a thought to it, and that's where things get interesting. This is also the best news ever. If we were victims of circumstance, we'd be up a creek without a paddle, bouncing around in misery with zero control. But that's not how it works (even though it feels like it is).

Circumstance is just the starting point, the trigger. The actual process, the part we get to work with, runs: thought, feeling, action, result. Four steps. All of them yours.

So, something happens, and we have a thought about it. That thought produces an emotion. The emotion drives what we do, or don't do, and how we do it. And what we do (or don't do) gives us our results. So yes, our actions create our results... but just changing the action is often just the same loop with a new outfit on. If the thought underneath hasn't changed, you'll end up right back where you started (just a little more tired, and a little more confused about why).

Here's how this played out in real life

The first time I really watched this play out in real time was a few years back, while I was caring for my mom. A relative would show up at the house and want to take her out somewhere, no warning, no heads up. I hadn't practiced boundaries much back then, so I'd just get frustrated: this person was so rude to show up without even checking if mom (or I) had other plans.

Circumstance: unannounced relative picks up mom.

Here's how we know the circumstance itself wasn't the problem: if you lined up 100 different people and had them watch this exact scenario, you'd get 100 different reactions. Some would think, "oh, what a nice surprise!" and feel elated. Others might think "ok, whatever, have fun" and feel complacent. My thought was "relative is a horrible communicator" (I'd asked them before to give me a heads up, and I'm a planner, so why should someone else's lack of communication mess up my plans?!). That thought produced annoyed.

And here's where it gets fun. What were my actions when I felt annoyed? Not pretty, but digging it out is how we gain awareness: I gave the relative the silent treatment. I ruminated about every other time they'd done this. I never actually said anything to them, I just let them keep doing it. And I griped about their lack of respect to basically anyone who'd listen. (You might be nodding along right now, buying into my story.)

One thought, "Relative (great name, right? 😂) is a horrible communicator," started the whole process. A different thought would have generated a different feeling, and a completely different result.

And here's the kicker: I was doing exactly what I was accusing my relative of. My result and my original thought were mirror images of each other.

My thought: Relative is a horrible communicator.

My result: I'M a horrible communicator.

Look at my actions:

• Gave the relative the silent treatment... not great communication.

• Never set a boundary or said how I felt... not great communication.

• Vented to everyone except the one person who could've actually done something with it... not great communication.

I see this pattern constantly now, in myself and in what other people say. We're often accusing others of exactly what we're doing ourselves.

This connection might take time to click. It took me a while too, and I had coaches walk me through it more than once. Now I get to do that walking-through for my clients.

Play with this. It works every time if you do it right. Don't get frustrated if it takes practice... it took me time and coach training to get good at this, and some thought patterns are trickier to untangle than others. That's what I'm here for. If you get stuck, come chat with me.

Want to see this process mapped out visually? A few years back I created a free, short video that walks through this process step by step, along with a downloadable PDF you can print and keep handy. If you're curious what thought might be driving one of your own unwanted results, visit here.

High five! ✋ 

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