You Can’t Fake Energy

Have you ever been listening to someone and the words you hear don't match the feeling you get? Something just feels… off.

I saw this recently while listening to a speech. The speaker got emotional—the words were tender, eyes teared up—but something felt off. What I saw and what I felt didn't match. There was no real emotion behind it.

I wasn't the only one who felt it.

Your gut picks up on incongruence. When someone's words don't match their energy, you feel it.

When my kids were younger, I used to be so proud of myself for not yelling.

I'd feel the frustration rising—the scattered toys, the whining, the 47th time I'd asked them to put their shoes on—but I'd clench my jaw, take a breath, and keep my voice calm.

Look at me, I thought. I'm not one of THOSE moms who loses it.

I was convinced I was doing great. I'd go to bed and pat myself on the back.

To be fair, there was nothing wrong with celebrating those moments. Not yelling, name-calling, or hitting was an accomplishment.

But once I learned that emotions have an energy tied to them, I realized: my kids could probably feel every ounce of that frustration I was trying to push down.

It was likely confusing to them as children to see and feel conflicting scenarios play out. Heck, it's confusing as an adult to recognize them.

In hindsight, what I've learned is that not yelling didn't make me calm. It just made me a tightly wound spring waiting to snap.

And my kids? They knew it.

Because you can't fake energy.

Fast forward many years later. I've learned some tools and practiced a simple one.

I was having a conversation with one of my daughters, and one of my default emotions arose—defensiveness.

I'd been practicing awareness of my common emotional patterns. And this time, I noticed it. I didn't say it out loud. Just silently to myself:

"I'm feeling defensive."

I was blown away by what happened next.

The energy of the emotion subsided.

Just recognizing and naming the emotion processed it enough that I could listen and truly remain calm.

In the past, although I may not have yelled, reacting to that defensive emotion would have meant over-explaining my position and trying to convince the other person where they'd misunderstood me.

I would turn into a great defense attorney on the spot.

Not this time.

Your kids, your spouse, your friends, your coworkers, your boss—they don't need you to be perfect.

They need you to be REAL.

Not yelling is good. But it's not enough if you're still seething inside.

The goal isn't to hide your emotions. It's to process them—so you can show up calm from the inside out, not just the outside in.

That's the difference between performing calm and actually BEING calm.

And trust me—everyone around you can feel the difference.

A simple hack that can make a huge difference:

Next time you feel a strong emotion rising—anger, defensiveness, frustration—pause and name it silently to yourself.

"I'm feeling angry."

"I'm feeling defensive."

"I'm feeling overwhelmed."

That's it. Don't fight it. Don't judge it. Just name it.

Naming the emotion takes away its power. It moves it from reactive (your primal brain running the show) to observational (your higher brain noticing what's happening).

And when you do that, you give yourself space to choose how you respond.

Try it this week. Notice the difference.

High five! ✋ 

If you want help learning tools like this—ones that actually work in real life, not just theory—I'd love to talk. Book a free clarity session and let's figure out what's keeping you stuck:

https://www.outofsmallthings.com/schedule

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